Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
