Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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