If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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