We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
