Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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