At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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