....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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