She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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