I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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