I think my fart just growled at me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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