At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
