i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
