just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
