when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
