I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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