i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
