just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So much rum. So many feels.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
