I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
