My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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