all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
