I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
