I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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