i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
