I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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