Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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