went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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