Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
