Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
