dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she told me i tasted like america
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
