Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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