yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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