even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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