there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
