when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You're like the curious george of whores
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
