If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
