some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
