So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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