Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
