Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just found puke in my bra..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Randomize
