If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
