Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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