I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
