i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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