u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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