he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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