Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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