I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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