ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i came on her dog
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
