Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
