Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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