Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
