Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
