Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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