I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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