paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i've created a new STD.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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