It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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