By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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